Beautiful Thing No. 3, and So On

I was in a tiny gallery in Goshen this morning, full of antique rugs and jewelry from Tibet and pastel paintings and Orthodox icons. Now, I'm not sure how meaningful icons might be to me, even though I know they mean a lot to a lot of people. But boy are they pretty. So here is today's beautiful thing: an icon of the Holy Trinity.

Golly. What a day. What a yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn't have been more up and down. I woke up up, feeling grateful for a moderately restful night. I started to feel a bit down before lunch, but an amazing meal with an amazing friend perked me right back up. Then, two hours after lunch ... well, I was not okay anymore. Crashing-down-through-the-floor not okay. Then Kevin came home. Up again! Up, up, up. Losing-my-bra-behind-the-couch-until-the-next- afternoon up. (My hubby? Total stud!) And then came bedtime. Ugh. Toss, turn, move the cat, turn, toss, until 12:30 am. And then, hello 3:30 am, old buddy, old pal. Lord, was I frustrated this morning.

But here's the thing. What a pain I've been lately! I mean, seriously. This morning, I was like "Alright, self. Cut it out and do it now!" I'm so fed up—with the random crying and the staring into space and the mountain of laundry and the feeling sorry for myself for no freaking reason. So this is Christmas? Yeah, Mr. Lennon. This is Christmas. So what? Christmas is no reason to feel sorry for myself. I've never had a happy Christmas, not one. But that doesn't mean that I never can. It doesn't mean that I can't have one this year. Well, maybe it won't be happy. But at least it doesn't have to make me want to crawl into a hole in the ground until January.

So here's what I did about it. I got off my butt, and I went Christmas shopping at the farmer's market and Ten Thousand Villages and a used book store and an art gallery. I bought gifts for people just because I love them and not because it's Christmas. Then, I came home and cleaned my house. Whoa, Nellie, did I clean my house. Come to my house, if you want to see a clean house. Ever wonder what peppermint castile soap smells like? Stop by and find out. I spent a few hours alone, which I haven't done in weeks, and it felt so good. I had no idea how badly I needed some space. (Hello, couldn't be more introverted, haven't been alone in weeks. Duh!)

This morning, I decided that, at least for today, I need to snap the heck out of it. Because, if nothing else, I am loved. Even though I don't always feel that I am loved, I know I am. Now, 29 years of being told in no uncertain terms how hideous I am by many significant and most insignificant people in my life does not make for a very stable self-image. Being beaten and abandoned and humiliated and despised by so many people for so long takes its toll, and I just haven't healed to the point at which those things don't affect my every relationship and every waking (and every dreaming) hour. But what makes those people's opinions more valid than the quiet insistence of the people who I know do love me? I'll tell ya: nothing. People who love me, you deserve credit for it, especially when I am the way I have been for the last couple of weeks, because even when I am (that is, think I am being) so unattractive, you just keep loving me. So, Kevin, Jeannie, Tamie, and Christine: thanks for showing love to me this week. I love you all too. Despite my recent bout of ill humor, Kevin has still had crazy sex with me (and spent gobs of time holding me every day and did the dishes and fed the cat and made dinner and so on and so on), Jeannie has welcomed me when I randomly showed up at her house in the middle of the day, Tamie has listened to me gently and fed my heart and body, and Christine has let me sob all over her nice, white sweater. Thank you guys, for being so kind and for putting up with my Eeyoreishness. I'm going to try to buck up now. Really, I am.

Am I cured of my intermittent depression? Not even. Do I still need to cry on someone's shoulder? Maybe. Do I still need long, tight hugs and open ears and open doors and a lot of patience and grace? Hell yes. But who doesn't? Oh, friends. We all need so, so much grace. God, do we need grace. Grace and forgiveness and forbearance and a humble approach to each other, and so much love. Please, please let's love each other. We all have so many issues. We are all so broken. Dudes. Hug someone today, because I guar-an-tee you, you'll come across someone who needs desperately to be hugged. Forget about all your inhibitions, and hug that person long and tight. Hold on until you're both crying. Because that one hug just might make all the difference.