What a Day

I woke up at 12:30 and 1:30 and 2 and 3 and 3:30 and 4 and 4:30. I gave up, got out of bed, showered, and sat with myself quietly until 7. Then I left for Goshen.

In Goshen at 8, I met with a wonderful Anusara teacher to talk to her about my chronic (and infuriating!) back and hip pain. She was so helpful and uplifting. It turns out that I have an injured first chakra, which dissociates me from my body (which I already sensed), causing all manner of unpleasantness in all areas of my life. Healing my first chakra should go a long way toward healing the rest of me. I learned, among other things, that hot baths, hugs from friends, foot massages, yoga, organic apples, lovemaking, and the fragrance of trees are not just happy additions to life; they're crucial elements of my spiritual formation and personal actualization. I'll take it!

I went from that appointment to another appointment, with a local spiritual director to talk about that possibility for me. The meeting ended with a resounding "yes, please!" and an exciting homework assignment. It feels so right to invite a wise and objective someone into my life who can help me to discern my path and my blind spots in a gentle, kind way.

I came home and thought and read for a few hours. Then I went to the woods by myself and climbed through the brambles for a few more hours. And supper is scrambled eggs with gruyere cheese, roasted sweet potatoes, and green salad.

I am encouraged, friends. Today, I felt myself emerging from loneliness and woundedness into connection with the earth and her people, with God and her people, with my own life and her people. I am encouraged that healing for me is taking the form of feeling my body, caring for my self, reaching out to people I love for help and support when I need it, and living an integrated life. I've always thought it has to hurt if it's to heal, and that has been true of late, but it's also been true that healing has come in the form of resting my head on the shoulder of a friend and breathing there, sitting alone with my back to a tree and digging my toes into the mud, eating when I need to, playing with blocks and a teddy bear like I should have done when I was 5, standing on my hands.

And speaking of eating when I need to, I think the sweet potatoes are ready. Time to make the eggs.

What a day.