I'm Still Here

What is it about summer? Even though the academic rhythm no longer moves me, life still seems to morph into something other during the summer. This one was no exception. I've spent the last four months learning to be happy. I've spent the last four months letting go of all that I thought was absolute, discovering that what is ahead can be more beautiful than what is behind.

I've always believed that love cannot be boxed and categorized. This summer, my love came unboxed, shed its categories. My love ran away with me, grabbed me by the hand and ripped me through wild, exquisite terrain, down through valleys and soaring over mountains, basking on dunes of sand and bobbing along the soporific waves of a placid ocean. And I'm catching my breath now. What a ride.

I've learned to be truly okay with myself. I've learned to smile in the mirror, make a sexy face, sing out loud (still working on doing it in public, but give it time). I've learned to hold my pose when the person in front of me is foundering. I've learned to hear the person whom I couldn't hear before.

I no longer feel like I have to know. In fact, the more I learn, the less I know, and the less I know, the more okay I am. I don't feel like I need to voice what I think and feel, and I've been practicing keeping to myself mostly. Hence all the unanswered emails. Soooooo sorry about that. I've just really needed some space. I think I'm almost ready to come back now. A little longer. Thanks for holding me, loves. Thanks for asking. Knowing you're out there and that you care and that you haven't forgotten me ... well, there was a time when that got me out of bed in the morning. More and more, I get me out of bed in the morning, and I'm loving you all more and more as I do.

Since July, I've

seen two fireworks displays
seen four onstage performances
been hiking in an old, old, old forest with a(n old?) friend
read a few books
curled my hair
been paid for my artwork
said no to someone who wanted something from me
held hands
held space
held silence
held a friend
drawn a picture
fallen in love (twice)
decided to become a healer (of a yet-undetermined nature)

skipped through the woods
cried a little with a friend
cried alone a lot less than I used to
been radically, revolutionarily honest
said goodbye to a dear one over Mumm and the Decemberists
agreed to something crazy and spontaneous
let it go
embraced myself
embraced life
embraced grace
slept and slept and slept

I'm pretty sure that God is so much more and so much more loving and so much kinder than we give her credit for being.

I'm back (I hope). Please bear with me, as I learn to talk about the world with new words, with better words, with light and freedom. Please pray for me, because here come the holidays, Lord save us. Please keep holding me, friends. Please keep holding me.