Beautiful Thing No. 5

I was searching for something entirely other, and I stumbled over this, in my path. Now I need to read Out of Solitude.

When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. —Henri Nouwen

What could be truer?

Beautiful Thing No. 4

My favorite verse is the fourth. Sorry about the static.

Beautiful Thing No. 3, and So On

I was in a tiny gallery in Goshen this morning, full of antique rugs and jewelry from Tibet and pastel paintings and Orthodox icons. Now, I'm not sure how meaningful icons might be to me, even though I know they mean a lot to a lot of people. But boy are they pretty. So here is today's beautiful thing: an icon of the Holy Trinity.

Golly. What a day. What a yesterday. Yesterday, I couldn't have been more up and down. I woke up up, feeling grateful for a moderately restful night. I started to feel a bit down before lunch, but an amazing meal with an amazing friend perked me right back up. Then, two hours after lunch ... well, I was not okay anymore. Crashing-down-through-the-floor not okay. Then Kevin came home. Up again! Up, up, up. Losing-my-bra-behind-the-couch-until-the-next- afternoon up. (My hubby? Total stud!) And then came bedtime. Ugh. Toss, turn, move the cat, turn, toss, until 12:30 am. And then, hello 3:30 am, old buddy, old pal. Lord, was I frustrated this morning.

But here's the thing. What a pain I've been lately! I mean, seriously. This morning, I was like "Alright, self. Cut it out and do it now!" I'm so fed up—with the random crying and the staring into space and the mountain of laundry and the feeling sorry for myself for no freaking reason. So this is Christmas? Yeah, Mr. Lennon. This is Christmas. So what? Christmas is no reason to feel sorry for myself. I've never had a happy Christmas, not one. But that doesn't mean that I never can. It doesn't mean that I can't have one this year. Well, maybe it won't be happy. But at least it doesn't have to make me want to crawl into a hole in the ground until January.

So here's what I did about it. I got off my butt, and I went Christmas shopping at the farmer's market and Ten Thousand Villages and a used book store and an art gallery. I bought gifts for people just because I love them and not because it's Christmas. Then, I came home and cleaned my house. Whoa, Nellie, did I clean my house. Come to my house, if you want to see a clean house. Ever wonder what peppermint castile soap smells like? Stop by and find out. I spent a few hours alone, which I haven't done in weeks, and it felt so good. I had no idea how badly I needed some space. (Hello, couldn't be more introverted, haven't been alone in weeks. Duh!)

This morning, I decided that, at least for today, I need to snap the heck out of it. Because, if nothing else, I am loved. Even though I don't always feel that I am loved, I know I am. Now, 29 years of being told in no uncertain terms how hideous I am by many significant and most insignificant people in my life does not make for a very stable self-image. Being beaten and abandoned and humiliated and despised by so many people for so long takes its toll, and I just haven't healed to the point at which those things don't affect my every relationship and every waking (and every dreaming) hour. But what makes those people's opinions more valid than the quiet insistence of the people who I know do love me? I'll tell ya: nothing. People who love me, you deserve credit for it, especially when I am the way I have been for the last couple of weeks, because even when I am (that is, think I am being) so unattractive, you just keep loving me. So, Kevin, Jeannie, Tamie, and Christine: thanks for showing love to me this week. I love you all too. Despite my recent bout of ill humor, Kevin has still had crazy sex with me (and spent gobs of time holding me every day and did the dishes and fed the cat and made dinner and so on and so on), Jeannie has welcomed me when I randomly showed up at her house in the middle of the day, Tamie has listened to me gently and fed my heart and body, and Christine has let me sob all over her nice, white sweater. Thank you guys, for being so kind and for putting up with my Eeyoreishness. I'm going to try to buck up now. Really, I am.

Am I cured of my intermittent depression? Not even. Do I still need to cry on someone's shoulder? Maybe. Do I still need long, tight hugs and open ears and open doors and a lot of patience and grace? Hell yes. But who doesn't? Oh, friends. We all need so, so much grace. God, do we need grace. Grace and forgiveness and forbearance and a humble approach to each other, and so much love. Please, please let's love each other. We all have so many issues. We are all so broken. Dudes. Hug someone today, because I guar-an-tee you, you'll come across someone who needs desperately to be hugged. Forget about all your inhibitions, and hug that person long and tight. Hold on until you're both crying. Because that one hug just might make all the difference.

Beautiful Thing No. 2

I wish I had been able to take photos of today's beautiful things. The first the wax pooling around a lit candle on the table where I had lunch with my friend. The second was the warm, toasty homemade tortillas that she made for me. Homemade tortillas! No one has ever made homemade tortillas for me before. They were so good. And beautiful. And so was the candlelight. And so were the conversation and the company.

So far, so good.

Today

Sometimes I don't feel very much like taking care of myself. You know what helps in those times? Knowing that there are people rooting for me to take care of myself. Because I often can't do for my own sake what I can do because someone I love wants me to. Does that make sense? Lately, I'm just not feeling very well, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, or physically, and I'm not taking very good care of myself. But a few people are rooting for me.

So today, I did a few things to take care of myself. I

made my early (read: 2:30 am) wake time productive by doing some grading and going to work at 6:30 instead of lying in bed and torturing myself all night. Now I don't have to work until 7 tomorrow!

ate breakfast and lunch.

sat at a friend's kitchen table for half an hour, drinking tea and listening to her talk and watching her make bread with her daughter.

went to yoga class (which I've skipped for a week).

And in addition to that, I got a postcard from my amazing baby sister, who is currently meandering around Switzerland, eating chocolate and visiting museums and churches. And in addition to that, I'm having lunch with another friend tomorrow, to which I'm really looking forward. And I've decided that, for the remainder of December, I'm going to make a point of noticing one beautiful thing each day and, in so doing, make it through this most "wonderful" time of the year. Because if there's anything that lifts my drooping heart, it's beautiful things. And today's beautiful thing is this song. I've been listening to it over and over all week. This song positively floors me. It made me cry the first, like, ten times I heard it.

Go here, and click the blue button next to the first item in the queue. (I think you can only listen to it once before it will try to get you to sign up for an account on the site. Sorry. There are no good videos of it on YouTube.)

It's called "It's Never Too Late," and it's by Michael Franti and Spearhead. I don't know why, but it just makes my heart ache (in a good way). Enjoy.

Man, did I need this today.

A co-worker sent this forward to me this morning. In my line of work, it's funny enough to make you pee your pants. And, for the sake of irony, I left all the typos and bad formatting. Enjoy!

Who did the Proofreading?

(Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?)
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
'good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide e
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Oklahoma's new construction program!
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is ....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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Tonight my heart is full. Full. It's the feeling for which English does not have a word—both profound contentment and intense sorrow, a love heightened by venom, the sated waiting that invades my rest and drapes a lull over my waking.

This week, I observed a life coming into the world and a life leaving it, a life subjected to judgment and a life torn asunder. And Advent has begun, when a cold pallor settles into my surroundings and a chill into my limbs and a sickness into my soul, and my appeal for deliverance from this body of death draws nearer to its zenith with each tinkle of each silver bell.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.