I guess it's kinda been a while, huh? The last few weeks have been so full and so draining. This last year has been so full and so draining. Overall, I'm feeling optimistic and excited about what's happening in my life, though, with some other things, not so much. Here is everything that's on my mind right now, most of the reasons I've been so scarce.
I'm beginning to settle into my spiritual pilgrimage. For so long, I was finding who I'm not, reacting against, rejecting, abandoning, recoiling, running away. I feel now that I'm seeing who I am, I'm opening to, embracing, standing still. I truly believe that I am good and holy, who I am made to be, and I am complete in my createdness. I'm learning how to pray, how to sit with God in stillness and be, how she comes to me, and how her voice sounds. I'm learning how wide and broad and open is her heart, that there is a place for me in it, and a place for everyone I love. I'm learning how to rest my own love for others in her love for us all and that our connectedness is perfect in that love. There is real connection, and I do have access to it, even while crying out in the loneliest of moments. I've discovered spiritual kindred in Thomas Merton and Kathleen Norris and in a few people in my life. I've become confident that grace extends beyond, around, and through us all. I've stopped fretting over my fallenness. I am free to roam, free to question, free to doubt, free to wonder, free to love how and whom I love, and I am not beyond grace or holiness or wholeness. And I am not, in fact, any more deficient or defective than any other person. I am not the chief of sinners; we are all the same, all precious in our uniqueness. I let go to the mystery.
Last night was my first class in which my new yoga studio is my home. I've been attending classes there sporadically ever since I found out how soon I'd be needing a new home, six weeks ago. I'm looking forward to knowing new people and new teachers and learning more and growing stronger, becoming more able to bend. It's a good studio, with good teachers. Something, of course, is missing there, something that was part of my practice for a time but can no longer be. How I long for that missing thing right now. Savasana last night was so hard. (And long! Oh, mercy, the relief when Angela rang the bell!) But I will hold this pose, and I will keep breathing. I've signed up for ten weeks of classes and twenty weeks of private lessons. This change of scenery seems to be bearing with it a few new friendships, which is so nice. Good friends are few around here for one who doesn't fit in with the Bible-conservative crowd. And I need more friends.
Two friends who are very dear to me moved away last week. My heart doesn't privilege blood relations like most people's do, and my friends are my family, especially friends who live nearby and share life with me. You know, the cup-of-sugar-(or, in this case, beans)-borrowing friends. I feel the absence of a sister and brother, and I'm hurting. But I do know that I haven't really lost anything, and they're gaining so much, and I'm truly thrilled for them, and this too shall pass. Helping them prepare to move was a very sweet blessing to me, and I'm thankful.
And then there's the ol' bod. Readers, you may have noticed that sometimes my blog is a bit of a downer. It's because, sometimes, I can be a bit of a downer. But there's hope now that my downer days are numbered. A month ago, through a series of referrals (that is, "I can't help you, but here's a business card for someone who might"), I ended up in the office of a group of naturopathic doctors, one of whom, Kelly, specializes in hormonal disorders. See, for as long as I can remember, I've had all these weird symptoms, like acne and insomnia and low energy and mood swings. They've all gotten more and more severe in the last seven or so months, and the worst is intense depression and anxiety in the second half of my cycle. Friends, I just can't begin to describe how awful it feels. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything, I have no energy, I feel like all of my friends must hate me, I can't stop thinking all these dark, tragic thoughts. I'm too exhausted to move, but I'm so nervous and restless that not moving is torture. And forget about sex. Well, in the last three months or so, it's been three quarters of my cycle. Last month, I never came out of it. I've lost 20 pounds since November. I've cried on more shoulders in that time than I have in my entire life. (You all know who you are: I'd have lost it completely without you. Thank you, thank you.)
Let me say again: my husband is a saint. I've married a saint.
God bless Kelly's kind, compassionate heart. The woman is a genius. She didn't chide me or argue with me or talk to me like I'm twelve. She honored my intelligence and what I know about myself, listened to me, reassured me. She let me keep my clothes on and didn't pressure me into an unwanted pelvic exam. And she tested my blood to find out what's actually wrong with me! It turns out that I have insulin resistance, hyperthyroidism, and polycystic ovary syndrome, which sounds like a lot, but really, it's not so bad. Because now I have something to do, something that she says should fix everything! All I have to do is cut carbohydrates and sugar completely out of my diet, eating mostly raw foods, protein sources, and healthy fats. I have to take supplements to control my blood sugar and bioidentical progesterone for half of my cycle. That's it!
I started the progesterone on Saturday. Duuuude. I feel like a completely different person. I feel like I can cope with life! And I like the diet. I don't care at all about sugar. Giving up pasta is hard, but after a few months I'll be able to cheat once in a while. This morning, I had plain full-fat organic yogurt with blueberries and a cup of black tea with raw milk for breakfast. Lunch was a salad with greens, tomatoes, a small carrot, and an avocado with olive oil and vinegar, and a small can of smoked wild sardines in mustard (yum!). Dinner will be vegetable soup with beans and a little grass-finished beef, a glass of wine, and cherries for dessert. And I munch on raw nuts all day. You may beg to differ with my sardines-in-mustard addiction (which I developed while still toddling), but doesn't the rest of it sound delicious? Since I started the diet a week ago, I've slept through the night three times. I haven't done that in months!
On Saturday night, Kevin and I and a friend of ours and her brother snuck into the yard of an under-construction lakefront property and had a perfect view of two fireworks displays. I let the water caress my feet and the laughter of my companions caress my soul. Through biting sadness, I felt hopeful, and I knew I wasn't alone.
In August, I'll be heading down to Rockville, Indiana, for a weekend to visit two friends of mine who are in state prison. I've never been to a prison before, and I'm nervous, but I love my friends, and I want to be with them.
Yesterday, we found out that a close relative of Kevin's is very sick and probably won't live more than a few years. Four other of his relatives may be moving a few states to the south very soon, including one that I had dearly hoped to get to know.
My baby sister will be 21 in a few weeks!
My mother called twice today to cuss me out because someone pissed her off and she needed to take it out on someone, and that's usually where I come in. There was a time when I didn't care so much when she treated me like this, but now I care a lot, and I don't know what to do about it. Because it's not like she's going to change, and it's not like I'm going to have another mom. I really want to call my mom and tell her about all the stuff that's going on in my body. I want to garden with my mom and go shopping with my mom and cook with my mom and watch movies with her and go for walks with her and get to know her and let her know me. I want to cry on her shoulder when I'm sad. I want her to call me "sweetheart" and listen when I talk and be proud of me. But I can't, and she won't, and I hate it. I'm the only one in the world who knows the real her, the her that's trapped beneath the monster, and I really like her. She's witty and creative and passionate and empathetic. She loves art, philosophy, history, politics, and music, and she's the most amazing cook. She taught herself to speak and read Latin. She plays tennis and paints and sculpts and reads all the time. She's a genius. (No, a real one. She's gotten perfect scores on IQ tests.) She wants to be a lawyer so she can defend people who are being hurt by more powerful people. She used to volunteer in group homes for people with cognitive disabilities. Her favorite color is blue. God, I wish the monster would just die, so I could have her.
And finally, Kevin and I have decided that, come fall, we will have been camping several times. And so we bought a tent.
- amy frances
- Art is how I make love to the earth. Wine is how the earth makes love to me. I practice yoga because, as Ani DiFranco has said, all that steel and stone are no match for the air, my friend; what doesn't bend breaks. Everything I do I do fiercely. I think in pictures, see in layers, hear in whispers, and feel in torrents. My mind never halts. My heart never yields. My soul is never sated. Beauty and love are my food and drink. God inhabits my inner, silent sanctum. I place my faith in paradox. I carry my friends with me, ever and always. There is no better partner than my husband.
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22 comments:
lots of love to you. glad to read the update. <3
Oh and all the diet stuff sounds great. Have you been eating Brown Cow cream top?
Thanks, Buffy. Thank you for reading. It's good to hear from you.
Actually, the brand is Mountain High. I don't know if it's national, but Tamie casually mentioned once that it's the best, so I decided to try it. She's never steered me wrong when it comes to food.
We picked up The Great Awakening yesterday.
It was good to chat with you on Sunday. I had been missing your face!:) I am so excited to hear the diet is already making a difference! God is good! I will be praying for you friend.
Hi Connie. Thanks. It was good to chat with you too. We need to get together sometime, instead of just talking about it. Are you ever free for tea?
I had my doubts about the sardines in mustard until I tried it. I doubt no more. Giving up carbs (even complex carbs, like oatmeal?) sounds too terrible for words, though. But if it helps....
Yup. Oatmeal is a sometimes food, meaning I can have it as one of my twoish servings of moderate-glycemic-index foods per week. But I save those for whole-wheat-crust pizza.
Tamie clearly needs to try Brown Cow ;)
I'll be interested to hear what you guys think of The Great Awakening.
a lot of the diet stuff sounds like what my friend Kate-the-nutritionist talked about with Tamie on Skype. Did she tell you about that?
Yeah, she did. Kate the Nutritionist sounds pretty rad! I have a nutritionist too; she's Andree the Nutritionist. My diet is similar, but Tamie can eat unrefined grains and moderate-GI foods (like apples, bananas, and brown rice); I'm not supposed to eat any carbohydrates, because my blood-sugar issues have progressed almost to diabetes, so I'm in prevention mode. My diet has to be 90–95% low-glycemic foods, which means even some fruits are off limits. I don't have to eat as often as she does, although I do have to eat more often than I have been eating. But, overall, the idea and the effect it has on my life are the same.
Brown Cow has a lot going for it, for sure. But a 64-oz tub of Mountain High costs $6 (Brown Cow is $4 for 32 oz) at our co-op, and it comes in #2 plastic (which is recyclable around here; Brown Cow's #5 tub isn't). Mountain High doesn't have cream on the top though. Boo.
I'll let you know what we think about the book. Speaking of books and diet, I just bought two really awesome books about eating; I'll be posting a quick recommendation here as soon as I have a few minutes. Stay tuned!
I'm so glad to hear about the diet! It's amazing how food really can affect EVERYTHING!
Just one quick thought--does wine count as a sugar? When I went off sugar a billion years ago I also wasn't supposed to have anything fermented...I think.
xo
Well, Kelly didn't tell me not to drink wine. I did some research on alcohol consumption and blood sugar, and I found that wine or a pre-meal drink can actually have a positive effect on blood sugar by slowing digestion. Beer raises blood glucose levels slightly, but a beer once in a while is okay.
Kelly encouraged me to eat all the fermented food I can, for the probiotic content. Why weren't you supposed to eat fermented food?
Good to hear from you, friend. xo
That makes sense about the yogurt -- Do you go to the little wooden health food store?
Check out my review of The Conscious Kitchen, I think it's something you'd be interested in.
I really appreciate your thoughts about your mom - seeing her as the complex being she is, with all these amazing traits, yet lacking the emotional intelligence to have a healthy relationship with you (and, it sounds like, others?).
In my case, it's so hard to know how to be, how to maintain my own boundaries and not be driven to drink alcoholic beverages by the five gallon bucket.
(For you, wine, not beer, on account of the diet.)
That's just a phrase, you know. I don't drink much a'tall. But I do often feel like dumping a five gallon bucket of liquid upon my much loved (but much frustrated by) close associate.
Buffy: Well, sometimes. That store is pretty expensive, and it has very little selection. We belong to the co-op on Main St. in Goshen. Warsaw Health Foods is best for those "Oh-crap-I-forgot-_____-and-we-need-it-now" moments.
Lori: The most important life lesson my mom has taught me is how to see people as whole people and not as bundles of flaws. I am usually able to look at a Very Messed-Up Person, separate her true personality from all the obstacles in her way, and love her for who she would be without those obstacles. My mom, as she truly is, is a very good mom, I promise.
It helps to view all the crap that holds people back from loving us as we need them to as external to those people, as prisons, and give them credit for their desire to love us well, even if they fail.
I personally believe that our desire to please God is what pleases God, rather than our actual actions, and that is why we do please God, despite our failings. And so it's easier for me not to fault someone for loving me poorly, if that person wants to love me well. If that makes sense. I guess it's kind of about giving the grace that I've been given.
I confess, though, that it doesn't make her vitriol less caustic. And it doesn't make it easier for me to watch my friends and their wonderful, sweet moms who care for them well without aching for what they have and then feeling rotten for being jealous. We all have our stuff.
Oh, and, boy do I understand the five-gallon-bucket-of-liquid thing. Even if it is an alcohol-containing beverage. Boy do I ever. And the trouble finding and then defending boundaries. And then the getting tired of defending them and giving up and getting hurt, repeat ad infinitum.
I think the reason no fermented food is that the fermentation for things like wine, beer etc. breaks down complex carbs into simple sugars. But I only briefly went off sugar a LOOOOOONG time ago, so I don't exactly remember.
It sounds like you are totally on top of the information about your foods. I'm glad the diet is helping already!
This was indeed a great update to read. I LOVE it when something as simple as giving our bodies good food can make a difference in how we feel, act, think, be. Isn't that a miracle, just a total miracle?
I hope that it continues to get better and better, day by day.
I can remember walking home from the Warsaw store with my mom and my brother and eating dried pineapple.
I love it that you are members at the Maple City Market -- worlds colliding.
They still have dried pineapple too.
Speaking of colliding worlds, Buffy, if you think of it, would you say a prayer for Andy's family? We just found out that his mom (that is, Kevin's aunt) has cancer on top of cancer, and it's pretty bad. And Andy's getting married in a month.
Oh man, what a lot for him to be dealing with all at the same time. Thanks for letting me know.
Many changes. Happy changes, sad changes, hard changes. But mostly good changes. <3
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