I don't know what kind of yoga it was, and I don't think I'll try to find out just yet. In my reading, I sensed some elitism among practitioners of one type or another, and I don't want to feel discouraged because what I'm doing is somehow inferior to what someone else does. So if I describe it at some point and you can figure it out, don't tell me unless I ask. Yes, I know that yoga should not lead one to compare oneself to others. But comparing myself to others is what I do, and in my mind I always come up short, and I need to avoid going there. I really want to let myself have this.
I feel calm and energetic and focused enough to be writing this at 6:30 at night, so that's something. The instructor seemed kind and gentle and welcoming, and I'm going to try super hard not to be intimidated or feel attacked by her (Lord, help me). I didn't freak out internally and slug myself in the psychological gut when she offered me advice, so that's something else. There was one other woman there, a marketing specialist for a local bank named Vanessa. Vanessa really knew her way around a mat, and it didn't bother me. So that's something else. I felt warm and awake and alive, and that's something too.
Raw data like these will help me decide how I feel about taking yoga lessons. After my next premenstrual emotional meltdown, when every negative thing I can possibly feel about it surfaces, I'll be able to categorize it. (Is it weird that I view premenstrual angst as a kind of emotional enlightenment? Maybe I'll write about it sometime. When it's happening. Whoa, Nellie.) In the meantime, hmmm.
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13 comments:
I'm glad you're doing this, Amy. I can see that it would take courage. I'll be interested to hear more! I didn't realize that you were actually starting yesterday. Must not have been listening very well. I'll try to do better. I'm glad it was a positive experience and felt good to your body.
Yeah Yogini Amy! Just breathe. All yoga is breathing, with a coupla postures added. Breath=Inspiration
I totally get this. Yes, yes, and yes,
And the premenstrual angst = emotional enlightenment? Yes, I get that too. Wow, do I ever. I've often wanted to write when I'm feeling like that, but yes, "Whoa, Nellie" indeed.
Bev: I'll tell you more when I think more! You were listening. I don't think I mentioned that I was going (in case I chickened out. I was totally nervous.)
Andree: If only you could teach me. Poo! Move to Indiana—you can live in my library, kay? No? Oh, fine. But keep the pointers coming.
Rachel: Really, you think so too? I always hear women invalidating their feelings—"Oh, it's just pms, it'll pass." I try to explore what I feel then and remember it, because I think it's real and just latent for the rest of the month. I actually do most of my writing during that time. But I wouldn't publish it, or the nice young men in their clean, white coats would come to take me away (ha-haa). No, seriously. It's scary. I kind of think the it's-just-pms mentality is pretty misogynistic, like this universal, profound experience of womanhood is just silly and we should get over it. Poo on that! Uh-oh, I'm getting started with the grrl-power. I'd better shut up now.
Thank God for temptation, sleep deprivation, and, I will now add to the list, PMS. You find out who you are and where the Devil thinks you're weakest.
Agreed on the "It's just PMS" being misogynistic. Absolutely. Hey, have you read The Red Tent? Interesting stuff to ponder. Anyway. Um. Yoga! I am so with Andree on this. Yoga is breathing. I'm so so glad you had a positive first experience. I'm interested in what you think of your next experiences.
I'm so glad someone's with me on this.
Nope, haven't read it. In fact, never heard of it. What's it about?
I <3 yoga!!!
Me too, so far!
I know what you mean too about feeling threatened. I feel so disconnect from my body most of the time (one of my great sorrows) that nearly any sort of physical activity requiring positioning or skill leaves me feeling dyslexic and a complete fool. However, after the initial trepidation of the first lesson or two, I have not felt that crushing sense of inadequacy. I laugh to think that I was taught all my life that yoga was some sort of great evil; as far as I'm concerned, anything that leaves me with this much peace and well-being is holy.
I often feel disconnected from my body too. Part of it is that my mind is so overactive that I have a hard time being present to myself, in the moment, where I am. And part of it is that I have so many times needed to escape my body that it's become a habit. I hope it's a habit that yoga can help me to kick.
I get that "yoga is evil" message a lot too. There are actually people I can't tell that I'm taking it, just to avoid a lecture. Argh!
I went to an acupuncturist for the first time the other week. As soon as he felt the points for my heart meridian (of which thinking, worry, and anxiety is a part) his eyes widened and he looked at me with concern. "You think too much!" he said. "You have a huge amount of energy at these points." He placed several needles in various points all over my body, most with little to no pain or discomfort. However, when he placed the needles at my heart points (I only found this out later) the pain was sharp and intense. It was quite bearable, just unexpected after the lack of pain in the rest. Suddenly, I started crying and shaking all over (I still did not know what meridian he had put the needle into). I hate crying like that, so I tried hard to stop but I couldn't. "What did you do?" I asked. "That was your heart meridian," he said. "The needle is helping all that energy balance out." Try as I might, I could not stop crying or shaking for a good ten minutes. It was not a bad experience at all; just bizarre that I had such a strong and specific reaction. I still don't know exactly what acupuncture is all about, but I do believe it is something more than mere placebo effect. I'm looking forward to going back.
I'm really glad that you're taking care of yourself, Kendra. I'd be interested to know what you think of acupuncture after you've had a few more treatments. What made you decide to start doing it?
I wonder if I need acupuncture. I bet I have a craaaaaaaazy energetic heart meridian. I don't like to cry in front of strangers either, though.
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